i did not pass temple testing. i am not going to gripe too too much about it since i moped & meditated enough about it yesterday after i found out. i am going to say that it is hard to believe that people in my group who did not do as well actually passed whereas i did not. quan tuo felt he needed to remind me that sifu expects more of me & that he holds me in a different light than others. that doesn't make it ok. if i had say, fallen on my arse, or forgotten the form, or a host of other things, i would have passed. others did. i did my very best then. i know i did. i still do not entirely understand & would like to take issue to soothe my hurt ego & disappointment. but no, i am supposed to remember that sifu is only a mirror of myself. so basically i am not disappointed that sifu didn't pass me, i am disappointed in myself. doesn't seem entirely right.
on the flip side, it is fanfuckintastic that quan tuo is now in level 2. level 2 baby!! his first class is tonight. he has worked hard & has proven himself time & time again that he is ready. he got one of the loudest applause at certificate ceremony. quite a few people are going to level 2. they will be missed in our level 1 classes. but if i know quan tuo, he's still going to train with us sometimes (weekends). the superbest part is that i will be learning level 2 at home. double-duty. special training. no wait, that's something else, something supersexy.
we celebrated his success with 2 bottles of moet rose & a lovely tuna steak dinner. i am so proud of him. he really stretches his body & mind. i needed some time to sort myself out (hence meditation) before i could completely let myself enjoy his come-uppance. it is well deserved. the last thing i wanted was to rain on his parade (even though there were torrential downpours all day & it fit my bloody mood). so hip hip hooray for quan tuo. it's quite an achievement. soon he'll be flying! i won't be tethering him down...
so where does this leave me? it's not like i am going to quit. i have to eat my disappointment & train harder. i have to stop judging others & only judge myself. i am going to train with a vengeance! this is probably what sifu thinks i will do. who the hell knows? if so, then my training harder will prove him right. but there is no other option. i want level 2 in october. i want to be on the demo team. i'm going to have to cold kick arse the next 6 months. then more so after that.
i should say that it's not like i haven't been training hard. but i could be training harder. quan tuo & i have missed quite a few weekend classes & some regular classes due to our schedules. life happens, you know. but this is going to be a whole new level. this may require some changes, not just mental but habitual. i'll have to meditate some more on that tonight.
more chi! train harder!
on the flip side, it is fanfuckintastic that quan tuo is now in level 2. level 2 baby!! his first class is tonight. he has worked hard & has proven himself time & time again that he is ready. he got one of the loudest applause at certificate ceremony. quite a few people are going to level 2. they will be missed in our level 1 classes. but if i know quan tuo, he's still going to train with us sometimes (weekends). the superbest part is that i will be learning level 2 at home. double-duty. special training. no wait, that's something else, something supersexy.
we celebrated his success with 2 bottles of moet rose & a lovely tuna steak dinner. i am so proud of him. he really stretches his body & mind. i needed some time to sort myself out (hence meditation) before i could completely let myself enjoy his come-uppance. it is well deserved. the last thing i wanted was to rain on his parade (even though there were torrential downpours all day & it fit my bloody mood). so hip hip hooray for quan tuo. it's quite an achievement. soon he'll be flying! i won't be tethering him down...
so where does this leave me? it's not like i am going to quit. i have to eat my disappointment & train harder. i have to stop judging others & only judge myself. i am going to train with a vengeance! this is probably what sifu thinks i will do. who the hell knows? if so, then my training harder will prove him right. but there is no other option. i want level 2 in october. i want to be on the demo team. i'm going to have to cold kick arse the next 6 months. then more so after that.
i should say that it's not like i haven't been training hard. but i could be training harder. quan tuo & i have missed quite a few weekend classes & some regular classes due to our schedules. life happens, you know. but this is going to be a whole new level. this may require some changes, not just mental but habitual. i'll have to meditate some more on that tonight.
more chi! train harder!
2 comments:
amituofo, i was disappointed for you too, sweetie, but yes, it sounds like you are already inspired to train harder, which is what it ultimately is all about. it's not about a little piece of paper, although, yes, it can be nice too.
at times, i am somewhat dubious of my own standing with shifu and kung fu, and part of me secretly thinks that he passes me so i will keep on going because he somehow knows i need that kind of validation, however minimal, but that thinking is of course self-defeating and silly; like i said, it is all about the individual, and what s/he is willing to put into it all. we don't need no stinkin' papers from shifu to determine our approach to training. and we all need to train harder, no matter what.
we will all keep going and learning and pushing, and i am thankful to have beautiful friends with whom to share this journey and ease the doubts.
xoxo!
amituofo! thanks for the kind & true words. i was keeping things quiet because i was so happy for other people too & also needed to process. you are so right, it's only paper & i know i did my best that day. i should do my best every day at temple. i am so glad to share this experience with you, quan tuo & all the other lovlies we have come to get to know! more chi!
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